I want to preface this post by saying that I myself have never contemplated suicide. I haven’t recently thought and I’m not currently thinking about killing myself. So I can’t begin to comprehend what it must be like to experience the darkness and feelings that others have. I can only write about what I’ve seen, how I’ve reacted, and what I can do to hopefully help anyone who might be considering suicide as an option.

Kristina was my first cousin, once removed. I saw her just one time (that I can recall) at a big family gathering, and I don’t know exactly how old I was, but I was still very much a kid. Maybe I had talked to her while I was there. I’m not sure. I mostly remember being insanely envious as I watched and listened to her play the piano in front of everybody. I was taking lessons at the time and longed to be as talented as she was. She was beautiful; that was obvious even to my young eyes. And she was intelligent; that’s the one trait that my other family members continue to remember her by to this day.

Kristina committed suicide when she was 19. She would’ve turned 34 earlier this year. Of course, back then, I didn’t truly understand anything about her death, especially how and why it happened. Now that I’m older, I don’t think I’ll ever really understand. I wasn’t close enough to her, and I didn’t visit her and her family often enough to form a significant bond with her. However, family is family. I miss her, and I miss what could’ve come had she lived out her life. I like to think that she could’ve been a professional pianist, performing around the world, or maybe settled down at this point and starting to teach her children how to play. There’s no way to know, and that makes me so sad. Yet I can’t come close to sharing the painful experience of her parents and her sister, carrying that loss with them and counting the days since she died. I can’t imagine just how much they miss her.

When I was in high school, a few fellow students, some younger than me, killed themselves. It caused a huge ripple every time, so everyone who went there was affected in one way or another. I was mainly affected when the person who died was a friend of my friends, and that happened more than once. Kiernan was part of the school’s ROTC program and a member of the marching band. He played trumpet along with one of my best friends, Elias. When Kiernan committed suicide, I remember how shaken Elias became. He and Kevin went to Kiernan’s funeral, and I’ll never forget how each of them described the moment they saw him lying in an open casket. If it was chilling for me simply to hear about that, then I have no idea what actually seeing that must have been like. I know that Elias, in particular, was affected long after Kiernan’s death, and I’m sure that he still is. I’ve seen it.

Kevin and I have a mutual friend, whose name I’m not going to mention for her privacy. Back in high school, she came over to my dad’s house one day, and we sat on the bathroom floor together. I think she had been crying leading up to coming over and continued to cry in front of me. She talked about everything going on in her life, specifically with her family. Some things she spoke of were ones that I had gone through as well, such as divorced parents, although even then, we didn’t have the same experience. And I certainly couldn’t relate to many of the other things. She said that she had thought about committing suicide. I don’t remember what I said in response, hoping that being in the same room with her was enough to support her.

You see, I consider one of my core strengths to be empathy. I have always tried to empathize with others, and it’s something I almost pride myself with being able to do. But when I realized later on that I couldn’t connect with her that day, that I wasn’t doing enough to help and support her, that I was failing to empathize with her, I felt absolutely useless.

She’s still alive today, and I’m so thankful for that. I don’t know if she still struggles with thoughts of suicide, and regardless of whether she does or not, I wish that I knew. We haven’t talked in a while, yet I see her posts on Facebook, and it seems like she’s doing well. However, none of us quite know what everyone is dealing with offline in the real world. I want to reach out to her again and ask how she’s doing. I’m not sure if I’m going to bring any of this up to her or how I’d go about it. I only hope that she’s no longer feeling that way, and if she is, I only hope that I’m better prepared to be there for her if she asked. Whatever it takes to help anyone who’s remotely thinking about suicide, I’ll do it.

Kevin and I got back from Acadia National Park on Sunday and learned of Anthony Bourdain’s suicide yesterday. I recall both of us being heartbroken by Robin Williams’ suicide a few years ago. In the past month, though, I’ve read some amazing, personal, raw stories of people who have been brought back from the brink (and fair warning: they do describe a lot of details regarding their circumstances). Like this one. This one, too. Also there are stories of people rallying to help others who were right on the edge, such as this one. I’ve been rendered speechless by these accounts. All I could think about was how relieved I was that those people, despite being total strangers to me, didn’t go through with their decision and how glad I am that they’re still in this world with the rest of us to share their experiences.

I haven’t been there. I can’t claim to know anything about suicidal thoughts or depression, any situation that can lead a person to take their own life. I can’t just sling positive phrases or statistics around because no issue is ever that simple to understand or easy to solve. I do know that suicide has been on the rise in the United States, and we need to be better about addressing it, no matter who it affects. I couldn’t tell you where to even begin. I can say that if I have some small part to play in suicide prevention, then I’ll play it for however long I have to if it means helping a single person.

Please: if you’re like me and haven’t experienced thoughts of suicide, be aware of anyone who has and might be.

If you or a loved one is experiencing distress and/or depression, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline immediately at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741-741. The crisis center provides free and confidential emotional support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.