Note: I deleted my “Longest Summary Yet” post to organize my ideas better and write a more refined review of this movie. Spoilers abound!

It’s been five months since Kingsman: The Golden Circle was released in theaters, and I still have thoughts about it.

It’s been that long, and I’m still disappointed by it, bordering on angry about it.

Regardless, I swore that this review would be refined. I’m attempting to keep my feelings out of it. So I want to praise the few things I actually liked about this movie and suggest how some changes could have improved the movie drastically.

Things I Enjoyed

• The opening fight scene, sort of. It’s interesting that Matthew Vaughn decided to bring back Charlie and one of the better callbacks to Kingsman: The Secret Service. Not only is Charlie a rejected Kingsman candidate, but he was Eggsy’s rival during their Kingsman training and even a supporting antagonist in the bigger picture. In the beginning of The Golden Circle, it’s shown that Charlie has become a bionic man and hinted that he’s part of an enemy organization, both intriguing elements that the movie later explores. So this fight scene throws us right into the action, builds suspense, and introduces some good questions.
• Eggsy’s get-together with his mates for Brandon’s birthday. I think that this is really sweet! It’s the big, important dinner that Eggsy couldn’t miss, which is an awesome and rather welcome surprise. It seems as though Eggsy hasn’t forgotten his old life, at least the parts of it that matter most to him.
• Eggsy and Merlin drinking together, which endeared both characters to me even more. I think this scene shows that Eggsy and Merlin continue to have a mentor-mentee relationship, yet they’ve become the new father-son dynamic as well. Earlier in The Golden Circle, Merlin tells Eggsy, “… you may shed a tear in private.” This line, to me, can be construed as equal parts professional and personal. Merlin reminds Eggsy that, as a Kingsman agent and also as a man, “There’s no time for emotion in this scenario.” However, during this scene, they are truly in private, and drunk by the way, and Merlin especially takes comfort in crying and mourning his comrades. Matthew Vaughn chose to use this scene for laughs, although I believe he could’ve written this scene in all seriousness, and it still would’ve worked. It’s the best scene in the movie, in my opinion.
• The Statesman. They’re alright. I like their gadgets, weapons, and secret base. Their interactions with the Kingsman are highlights of The Golden Circle. There’s a particularly funny and short debate about the spelling of whiskey and the difference between it and scotch. So the British and American culture clash works pretty well. Jeff Bridges was only head of the Statesman for a total of two minutes, yet he was charming. Channing Tatum and Pedro Pascal do good work with what they’re given.
• Elton John being pretty funny sometimes. “Wednesday night’s all right! Hey!” “Isn’t that supposed to be Saturday?” “What day is it today?” “Wednesday?” “Exactly!”
• Eggsy and Harry’s assault on Poppyland. This is the best fight scene in The Golden Circle. It’s goofy and ridiculous, but entertaining and includes some great action.
• The bar fight scene being redone. It’s not too bad. I thought that this was a fun callback to The Secret Service, a funny reversal of the original scene. It’s a good fight scene for Whiskey, too. The “Manners Maketh Man” score is even used again except in a different key, which is a nice touch.

And now… here we go.

Things I Didn’t Enjoy

• The opening fight scene. The CGI for this fight is downright distracting, making it jarring and jumpy. The CGI isn’t blended with practical effects and stunts as well as it was in The Secret Service. The camera angles are dizzying and out of control, and the editing has worsened between movies. There isn’t anything surprising about this fight either, considering that a lot of its footage is used in the trailer. This scene is the closest that Charlie gets to being intimidating because, otherwise, he’s basically sidelined until the very end of The Golden Circle. So that was an interesting aspect that ended up being a letdown, much like the entire film.
• The Kingsman being shockingly easy to hack. You’d think that Charlie’s mechanical arm hacking the Kingsman’s security system would’ve at the very least set off an alarm and notified Merlin. But of course not. Poppy needs an easy, cheap way to take out the Kingsman. Also, why would this system be totally accessible in the Kingsman’s cars? Vehicles are multiple, vulnerable targets, and that function seems to be an unnecessary one to have in general when the Kingsman have their glasses on.
• Eggsy’s family being written out. Yes, I like the scene of Brandon’s birthday party. At the same time, though, Eggsy’s mum and baby sister are nowhere to be found, which is sort of sad. It’s unfortunate that a lot of time and effort was put into establishing Eggsy’s family and its struggle in The Secret Service, only for The Golden Circle to have no mention of either. I think that Eggsy living with his mum and sister could’ve contributed to a decent subplot about Eggsy balancing his old and new lives. Plus, his mum could’ve helped him remember and mourn Harry in a more genuine way. For instance, make the table setting scene with Eggsy and Tilde be with Eggsy and his mum instead. We could’ve had a wonderful moment between the two, and she might’ve even mentioned his father somehow. The main point would’ve been how much Harry meant to Eggsy, what Harry taught him, and the things that Eggsy continues to carry with him.
• The fact that the rest of the Kingsman aren’t the central focus. Having a foil organization like the Statesman is cool and all. However, how much better would it have been to meet other Kingsman agents and let Eggsy work with them? Learn more about the organization as a whole? Maybe even see how it’s recovering after the events of The Secret Service? It seems rather quick to introduce a brand new organization without fully fleshing out the original. That was definitely disappointing and a missed opportunity. Speaking of which…
• There being no mention of the consequences and ramifications that resulted from the events of The Secret Service. I’m not crazy, right? Didn’t hundreds of the wealthy elite and world leaders die by the end of The Secret Service? Surely millions of citizens were injured or killed, too. We’re not addressing that beyond a throwaway line (“We saved the world!”)? Seriously? The world would have been severely impacted by such enormous and violent events.
• Wiping out the Kingsman. The biggest mistake The Golden Circle made was destroying the Kingsman organization and murdered almost every agent involved. Matthew Vaughn eliminated any chance of exploring the Kingsman in greater depth, which is such a shame. He blew up everything that the Kingsman stood on and killed all of the agents, and… ROXY IS DEAD. God damn you, Matthew. You’ve wasted a potentially wonderful character! Badass female agent, the top of the most recent Kingsman trainee class, and one of Eggsy’s best friends is killed. All we get of her in the movie is a sweet scene that does a great job of showing us Eggsy and Roxy’s friendship, and she’s gone. She was the real Lancelot we all deserved. Her death (and another character’s death that you know I’ll get to) is one of the worst things about The Golden Circle. Side note: the Kingsman’s missile detection system is garbage for a secret organization.
• Eggsy dating (and eventually marrying) Princess Tilde. Eggsy’s relationship with Tilde doesn’t work for me. It never has. Given the nature of how they met… I wanted her to be a one-off character. Since she isn’t, however, I’ll resume having a problem with her. Tilde isn’t a good character. She’s only around in The Golden Circle to force a conflict later on in the movie, and that involves her suddenly becoming a druggie out of depression from her break-up with Eggsy, which is deeply concerning behavior and also really out of character for her. And Eggsy marries her! I don’t mind that Matthew Vaughn decides to make their relationship monogamous; that subverts the James Bond stereotype, and it’s satisfying to see a committed relationship on the big screen. But it’s certainly one of the worst and unhealthiest relationships ever, so their relationship doesn’t satisfy me in the slightest. Forget the Kingsman rule against having a serious relationship. That was introduced way too late and doesn’t mean anything at this point. Overall, it’s one thing for Eggsy to make the jump from being a street kid to being a Kingsman, and now we’re talking about him dating and marrying a royal. He’s now a prince of Sweden and a Kingsman at the same time? Give me a break.
• The dinner scene with Tilde’s parents. Another waste. Just scrap that scene.
• The Kingsmans’ gadgets still working. This is kind of a nitpick, yet how fascinating would it have been if the secret agent gadgets stop working? With the Kingsman systems hacked and the secret base taken out, Eggsy and Merlin could’ve gone on with just their combat skills and wits about them. It would’ve upped the tension. After all, Harry has an incredible line in the trailer that goes “Being a Kingsman is more than the clothing we wear or the weapons we bear” (Bad news: that’s nowhere in the final cut). So prove it! Show us how amazing these agents are by stripping them of their fancy toys.
• The Statesman being underwhelming. Since the Statesman are in The Golden Circle, whether I wish it or not, the organization and members are extremely underdeveloped as it is. Jeff Bridges and Channing Tatum are barely in the movie. Whiskey’s backstory and motivations are slim at best. And he pops up at the last second, and we’re expected to care. The twist for his character wasn’t well-done at all. By the way, how does Whiskey’s amnesia get cured in 0.5 seconds, while it takes Harry a good chunk of the movie to get his memory back and recover? The Statesman are all over the place and sort of a mess.
• Harry being alive. This is probably the most egregious and insulting thing about The Golden Circle. Asinine. The entire first half of the movie is undermined because, due to the trailer and other promotional materials, we already know that Harry lives. His reveal is absolutely meaningless in that regard. The Statesman use an overpowered and unrealistic technology to bring him back, which is unbelievable for a lot of reasons. Matthew Vaughn took out all of the emotional impact of The Secret Service, made the stakes of The Golden Circle worthless, and brought back and paraded around a fan-favorite character just because he was so well-liked. Nothing about Harry changes, and nothing about Eggsy changes either. Eggsy just gets an important person back with virtually no consequences or differences. I would’ve preferred Eggsy’s relationship with Merlin expanding rather than his relationship with Harry being retrodden. Merlin actually even replaces Harry as a mentor and father figure to Eggsy; why not keep it that way? They would’ve reminisced about Harry together and moved on, and that would’ve been enough for me. Plus, does it appear as though Colin Firth is sleeping through this movie? That makes me question the decision to bring Harry back even further. It’s like nothing matters to him. Harry even says, “When I was shot, can you guess what the last thing was that flashed through my mind? It was absolutely nothing. I had no ties. No bittersweet memories. I was leaving nothing behind. Never experienced companionship, never been in love. And in that moment, all I felt was loneliness and regret” IN FRONT OF EGGSY, someone that I thought Harry looked after and cared for. But apparently, his relationships with Eggsy and Merlin mean nothing at all. I’m furious about that line. I hate that Harry was resurrected.
• The Woodstock wannabe scene. Please get rid of the scene with the music festival and the very idea of the tracker. All of that is trash, and everyone knows it.
• The Statesman minesweeper being the worst piece of technology on the planet. Merlin’s death… everything about it is terrible. Stepping on a land mine is the stupidest way for any Kingsman agent to die. His death is as awfully executed as Roxy’s. After Merlin’s relationship with Eggsy was built over both films, after Eggsy thought that he already lost Harry, he has to lose Roxy AND Merlin, too. At the same time, though, Roxy and Merlin could both be brought back, for all we know! Does the Statesman have some “body-stitching” technology to put those two back together? And oh man, Merlin’s singing… That was so bad. Also, you can’t use “Take Me Home, Country Roads” in the same year that song showed up in another movie, Logan Lucky. Besides, that song had such a better impact in that instance.

Phew, okay. I can’t even go into Poppy, how bad her character is, and how stupid her plan is because I’m tired now. Negative feelings were seeping in at the end there, so I’m going to finish this review here.

Thank you for reading such a long post! I hope that this one was crafted a lot better than my previous one. These are my final thoughts about The Golden Circle, and I’ve gotten them down at last!